Jim was a paintball fanatic. He played religiously every weekend and always wanted the best when it came to his paintball equipment and accessories. The problem was that his wife Erica thought paintball was a ridiculous waste of time and didn’t think he should spend their hard-earned money on it.” Jim thought Erica was a shrew when it came to money and was tired of the endless fighting about how much he spent on paintball.
Jim “solved” the problem by secretly taking out a credit card so Erica wouldn’t know how much money he was spending. Now he could have a little fun and it wouldn’t cause more problems between them. Jim’s plan worked great at first. He stored his arsenal of state-of-the-art paintball gear at a friend’s house and paid the minimum amount due on the card each month. Then he gradually started secretly buying more and more things he felt sure Erica would consider to be frivolous. As time went by, both his debt and sense of guilt began to spiral out of control. Now he had amassed almost $10,000 in credit card debt and could no longer manage it on his own. What was he going to do?
Financial Infidelity is Cheating
Jim committed financial infidelity when he overspent family money without Erica’s knowledge. Their story is by no means unique: financial infidelity has become a rampant problem among couples in the United States. Surveys have consistently shown that between 25-30% of respondents admit that they have lied to, or been lied to by, their partner about finances.
Like sexual infidelity, financial infidelity is a form of cheating. It’s cheating because it involves lying to and deceiving one’s partner. Lies and deception about money, no matter how seemingly small, can put the family’s finances at considerable risk. Perhaps even worse, however, is that they undermine the couples’ relationship by eroding trust, compromising the teller’s integrity, and making the person who was lied to feel really, really bad.
How could this happen?
It can be extremely difficult for many people to comprehend how someone could be financially unfaithful. While the person who was deceived is in no way responsible for their partner’s infidelity, the reality is that the interactions the couple has about money can create a situation where, for whatever reason, one person feels justified in secretly overspending family funds. Financial infidelity often occurs in relationships where:
- The members of the couple have different spending habits – one is a “spender” and the other is a “saver;” and
- one or both partners adopt negative and potentially destructive attitudes about these differences in spending habits- the natural saver sees the freer-spending partner as childish and irresponsible whereas the spender partner views the saver as a miser and a kill-joy.
Why keep it a secret?
Financially unfaithful partners may choose to keep their infidelity a secret for several reasons. They are well-aware that their partner will not approve of their actions, often fear that they might lose their partner if they tell, and/or feel deeply ashamed of what they have done.
Although it may seem totally illogical, these feelings of fear and shame often make it more difficult for the unfaithful partner to confess and face the consequences of their actions than it does to just ignore the money problems or attempt to deal with them secretly. This approach, of course, does not work in the long run and the situation inevitably escalates to the point where the financially unfaithful partner gets caught or has no choice but to disclose what they have done.
What you can do
Your relationship is in serious jeopardy if either you or your partner are keeping financial secrets from one another. Relationships that involve lies and deception will not survive in the long run.
This does not, however, necessarily mean that all is lost when it comes to your relationship if either you or your partner have committed financial infidelity. You can give your relationship the best possible chance of surviving by first revealing the truth. It is imperative for the financially unfaithful partner to fully disclose the extent of their infidelity. Only then will the two of you be able to work together to address the financial problems and rebuild trust in the relationship.
There is no good way to tell or confront your partner about his/her financial infidelity. Here are some suggestions for how to make this task as easy as possible.
- Choose a time and place where you will have privacy and when there will be minimal distractions and/or disruptions.
- Tell your partner directly and honestly what you have done or what you know or suspect has been happening. Beating around the bush or holding back information will not help at this point. Take responsibility for your actions if you are the partner who has committed the financial infidelity.
- Recognize that your partner will most likely be angry or upset. Give her/him some time and space to come to terms with what has happened.
Objections
I’m too scared to tell/confront my partner.
While telling or confronting your partner about financial infidelity is certainly not pleasant, the anticipation of doing so is worse than the reality for many people. If, however, you feel you cannot raise this issue with your partner or feel your physical safety would be at risk if you were to do so, you should seek the help of a qualified therapist before taking any action. Working with a therapist can help you explore your options and determine the best way to handle the situation.
I feel certain my partner will leave if I tell him/her that I have been financially unfaithful.
You are not alone if you feel this way. It is true that some relationships do not survive following a disclosure of financial infidelity; however, it will ultimately not survive if you continue to hide this information from your partner.
I suspect my partner is being financially unfaithful. I confronted him/her about it and he/she denied everything. How do I know if he/she is lying?
It can be difficult to know if someone is being truthful. Begin by considering what you know about the situation. Does what your partner said match up with his/her actions? What is your partner willing to do to show that he/she is trustworthy? Is the current situation an isolated incident or a recurrent pattern? The answers to questions such as these can help you decide if you think your partner is being truthful or dishonest. Working with a qualified therapist can also help you with this issue.
What happened to Jim?
Jim told Erica everything. It was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, but it was also a relief to finally tell his secret. Erica was furious and told him she wasn’t sure if she could forgive such a betrayal. They both took some time to consider whether their relationship could recover from Jim’s infidelity or if they should call it quits. They decided to try again and, with the help of their therapist, are doing much better.
Summary
Financial infidelity is a form of cheating that can destroy relationships in which it occurs. Relationships can, however, recover from financial infidelity when the infidelity is revealed and the couple works together to resolve the financial difficulties and rebuild trust. This article described three ways to help someone tell or confront their partner about financial infidelity:
1. Pick an appropriate time and place
2. Be honest and direct
3. Give your partner time and space
Next Steps
If financial infidelity is happening in your relationship, consider telling or confronting your partner about it. Use the suggestions given in this article to help make this task as easy as possible. Seek assistance from a qualified therapist if you want or need help doing this. Then read the next article in this series to learn how to begin repairing the financial and emotional damage caused by the infidelity.
Don’t be afraid to get help in therapy. Wichita Falls residents (or those nearby) can make a phone appointment for a free consult with me.
