I routinely get phone calls or emails from people asking what to do when they are not on the same page as their partner about starting couples counseling. It may be that you are unsure how to raise the issue of couples counseling with your partner, or perhaps you have already done so and been told “no.” Either way, it can be difficult to know what to say and how to say it. Here are some tips you can use to help you successfully raise or revisit the issue of starting couples counseling.
Bring up the issue when things are relatively calm. There is probably not an ideal time to bring up the issue of starting couples counseling but some times are definitely better than others. Your partner will probably be more receptive to what you are saying if you raise the issue at a time other than when you are in the middle of a heated argument. Emotions are often in overdrive during an argument, and this makes it more difficult for the other person to really listen to what you are saying. People are also more likely to dig in their heels and refuse requests during an argument.
Try to choose a time when you have some privacy, you are not rushed for time, and there are few distractions.
What to say. Focus on getting your message across rather than on choosing just the right words. Start by telling your partner that you care about them and your relationship. Let them know that you are concerned about the problems in your relationship, want things to be better between you, and believe talking to a couples counselor would be helpful. Ask them what their thoughts are about the two of you starting couples counseling. If your partner is receptive to the idea of couples counseling, then you can move forward with choosing a counselor and scheduling an appointment. If your partner does not agree, this does not necessarily mean that the conversation is finished.
Identify roadblocks. It may be tempting to attribute your partner’s reluctance to participate in couples counseling to a lack of commitment to the relationship or negative feelings toward you. This is, however, often not the case. Many people are afraid of being identified as the “problem” in the relationship or believe that all of the responsibility for fixing the relationship will be put on them. You can help change the direction of the conversation by encouraging your partner to discuss any concerns they have about couples counseling. Stay focused on your desire for the two of you to work together on your relationship rather than trying to persuade your partner that their concerns are somehow wrong.
Offer a compromise. The idea of participating in couples counseling can sometimes feel overwhelming to people. This is especially true when relationships are strained to the breaking point and/or there are many problems that need to be addressed. It might help to focus on taking a specific step rather than insisting on a larger commitment. Ask your partner to consider having one session with a couples counselor to get information and discuss options before making a final decision about couples counseling.
Respect your partner’s decision. Using these tips can help you and your partner get on the same page about starting couples counseling but unfortunately there are no guarantees. The reality is that you cannot make your partner start couples counseling If they really do not want to do it. Keep in mind that you still have options for working on your relationship even if this is the case. Individual counseling can help improve your relationship since what one person does can have a positive influence on the whole relationship.
